In a stunning twist that absolutely no one with a pulse could have seen coming, a brand new survey has officially confirmed that military veterans would, in fact, like the legal option to smoke marijuana.
Cue the dramatic gasp.
Yes, folks, the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America just dropped some fresh numbers, burning through God-knows-how-much cash to serve up a piping hot platter of the blindingly obvious. Honestly, here’s another poll that someone spent way too much money on just to tell everyone exactly what they already know. Congrats, geniuses. Drinks on you.
Let’s look at the earth-shattering data, shall we? A whopping 91 percent of these veterans think that maybe, just maybe, the government should research the medical potential of cannabis. Wow. Truly groundbreaking. Meanwhile, 87 percent are fully on board with allowing medical use (presumably because swallowing handfuls of VA-prescribed synthetic opioids isn’t the American Dream they enlisted for). Another 67 percent are begging the feds to finally reschedule the stuff, and 61 percent just want the green light to light up recreationally.
It’s almost as if the people who survived actual, literal war zones aren’t terrified of a plant and are profoundly sick of being treated like federal criminals just for trying to catch a decent night’s sleep.
But thank goodness we have the hard data now! I was sitting here in a cold sweat, genuinely worried that combat veterans actually preferred chronic pain and bureaucratic red tape to a mild gummy.
So, let’s pop the champagne—or better yet, spark a federally illicit doobie. We did it, society. We proved the sky is blue. Now, can Washington actually do something about it, or do we need to fund another six-figure survey next month to double-check if water is still wet?
Dabbin-Dad Newsroom
