There is a certain beautiful, chaotic absurdity to the American legal system. Just this past June, the black-robed mystics of the Supreme Court leaned over their mahogany benches, wiped the proverbial dust from the Constitution, and unanimously declared that, yes, the guy currently ripping a gravity bong on his futon has a God-given right to pack heat.
For decades, the suits in Washington ran a cynical racket under a nasty little piece of federal red tape known as statute 922(g)(3). It was a bureaucratic trap that forced otherwise law-abiding citizens into a dark, unholy ultimatum: you can have your medicinal jazz cabbage, or you can have your home-defense shotgun, but if the feds catch you holding both, you’re going to a concrete cage.
But the gates to the armory have officially been thrown open, and the people are reacting exactly how you’d expect. According to a new poll by NuggMD—the telehealth wizards who will gladly bless your phantom migraines with a medical card over the internet—about one in four marijuana enthusiasts (26 percent, to be exact) are suddenly feeling the itch to buy a firearm now that the high court has given them a legal hall pass.
That means a quarter of the people currently hotboxing their sedans are looking at the Second Amendment with fresh, bloodshot eyes.
Naturally, 74 percent of the stoned populace looked at the survey and mumbled some variation of, “Nah, man, I’m good.” But that 26 percent represents a massive demographic of previously handcuffed consumers who were terrified of the government’s crosshairs. Tyler Elson, NuggMD’s director of content, noted that folks have been agonizing for years, blowing up their customer service lines to ask if getting a weed card would nuke their right to bear arms.
“The more exciting victory,” Elson said, “is that gun owners no longer have to choose between their Second Amendment rights and their healthcare needs.” Translation: You can finally treat your chronic back pain without sacrificing your God-given right to blast watermelons at the local firing range.
Of course, the partisan divide is exactly what you’d expect in this circus we call a republic. A solid 41 percent of Republican stoners are revving up to hit the gun shows, compared to a mere 26 percent of Democratic puffers. The survey polled 654 consumers living in states where the green stuff flows legally, which is just enough data to prove that the modern American dream is alive, well, and heavily armed.
Meanwhile, the bureaucratic overlords at the DOJ and the ATF are reportedly scrambling to draft new guidance, trying to figure out how to regulate a world where the armed stoner is no longer a federal crime but a recognized voting bloc.
What a time to be alive. Buy the ticket, take the ride, and—if the mood strikes you—maybe pick up a 9mm on the way home from the dispensary.
Dabbin-Dad Newsroom
