Let’s all feign absolute astonishment for a moment. A brand new, federally funded study has just revealed that medical marijuana actually helps cancer patients manage their symptoms. Yes, the very same government that has spent decades treating cannabis like a society-destroying menace just bankrolled a Penn State project that basically concluded weed makes you feel better. Researchers surveyed 186 cancer patients and found that those partaking in the devil’s lettuce experienced major relief from the nightmare of cancer treatments. Nearly 90 percent of users said it cured their insomnia, while over 80 percent reported massive improvements in appetite, mood, joint pain, and anxiety. Who could have possibly predicted that a plant globally famous for making people hungry, sleepy, and relaxed would miraculously help patients who are struggling to eat, sleep, and relax?
Even more terrifying for the pharmaceutical industry, the study found that patients are actively choosing a little green plant over highly addictive prescription narcotics. Nearly a third of the folks surveyed reported using cannabis as a direct substitute for opioids to manage their pain, and about the same amount said it helped them decrease or completely drop their other medications entirely. It turns out that when given the choice, a lot of people prefer the harrowing side effect of accidentally eating a whole sleeve of cookies over the soul-crushing dependency of opioid painkillers. And in a beautiful display of geographic unity, researchers found that these cannabis habits were virtually identical whether the patients lived in urban high-rises, quiet suburbs, or rural farmland. Wanting to be in less pain without ruining your life is apparently the one thing that still brings this country together.
Naturally, because we live in a completely logical society, there is a glaring caveat to all of this good news. While 93 percent of the patients surveyed firmly believed that marijuana has real medical benefits and practically nobody thought it was actually unsafe, over three-quarters of them were still terrified of the legal, professional, and social consequences of using it. So just to review the current state of affairs: the federal government is happily funding research proving that cannabis helps cancer patients survive their symptoms and avoid opioids, all while maintaining a legal framework that makes those exact same patients terrified of losing their livelihoods or getting locked up for it. You really have to stand back and admire the breathtaking efficiency of the system. But hey, at least the scientific community is finally publishing peer-reviewed papers to confirm what your weird uncle has been loudly claiming at Thanksgiving for the last thirty years.
Dabbin-Dad Newsroom
