Good Afternoon Everyone-
It’s been a busy week and work has me all over the place. It’s great because the time flies, but it seems like I have no time for myself. I’m glad to be working and able to get out of the house, but man, I’m getting tired of the long days. Today is my “Friday” and I can’t wait to be out of here for four days. Only a few more hours until freedom!
I’ve been feeling well and medicating daily, but this morning was not a good start of the day. I got to work a little tired, but it seemed like a normal day. I was chipper regardless of only getting four hours of sleep. I was having a good conversation with a senior colleague about work and how to advance my knowledge in the industry. We got to talking about my military experience and the events that helped shape who I am today. It was going well, until we started talking about the horrors of war. My colleague was never in the military, but was very thankful for my service. He said, he didn’t understand the need for the constant fighting in the world and I agreed. We talked about the problems veterans face when they return home and leave the military. I feel comfortable with this individual and told him that I suffer from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and seek help from the Veterans’ Affairs. I am not ashamed.
He told me some stories that his uncle went through in Vietnam and I could relate to his uncle’s struggles. He told me how his uncle, after two and half years in Nam, was dishonorably discharged for cannabis and I just shook my head. It was terrible!
He had subconsciously triggered something in me, during our conversation. I started telling him how it’s hard to find solace at times. I told him how I was one of the first service members to be attacked by Saddam after the invasion. Today, that was enough to get me thinking about my own horrors. It was completely unintentional, but even reminiscing of the good times had me thinking of the worse. It was only a matter of minutes, before I started feeling choked up and needed to get away. I had to go outside for air and to ensure I didn’t break down crying in front of everyone. It hurts… why am I so F’ed up? I’m sitting here now trying to hold back the tears as I write this. I needed to talk to someone so I called my wife and best friend to try to get out of the funk. It’s in the past I keep telling myself. My wife sent me pictures of my little girls to try and cheer me up, but that only made me feel worse. I couldn’t stop thinking of my friends that I lost and their families that had to move on in life without them. I couldn’t stop thinking about the grown men I saw injured and the pain they felt.
It’s been a few hours now and I still can’t kick this feeling. Thank God, I have an appointment with my doctor this week. Please remember, some of us that were lucky to come home, didn’t come home the same. I feel weak in saying this, but I could really use a hug! I really needed to write this, in hopes that I can find peace. Thank you for reading, I hope you all have a better day than me!