In what might be the most Florida crime saga since someone wrestled an alligator for a beer, deputies in St. Johns County uncovered a major drug operation thanks to a surprise assist—from a completely nude man wielding a tree branch.
It all began around 3 a.m. on April 15 in a quiet St. Augustine neighborhood, when residents were rudely awakened by the sound of their doors and windows being assaulted. The attacker? A naked 44-year-old man, seemingly fresh out of a Tarzan audition, armed with what authorities later described as a “large wooden branch.”
The intruder smashed through the rear kitchen door like a discount Kool-Aid Man, prompting the terrified residents to lock themselves in a bedroom and call 911. Deputies arrived just in time to detain the birthday-suited burglar and politely ask, “Sir, do you live around here?”
Turns out—he did.
Deputies followed the trail of chaos back to his nearby home, where they found an open garage, discarded clothing, and a purse tossed casually outside like the aftermath of a bad party. Suspecting something was off (as if the earlier nudity wasn’t a clue), they entered to check on any other potential victims.
Instead, they found a full-blown drug emporium that would make even the most seasoned stoner blush.
After securing a search warrant, detectives discovered:
22 pounds of psilocybin mushrooms (that’s a lot of thinking about the universe)
3 pounds of marijuana
5.2 pounds of THC edibles (enough to tranquilize a small town)
12 fully-grown marijuana plants
17 grams of ketamine
Three firearms
$85,000 in cash
And drug ledgers that read more like a weed-themed stock portfolio
Also present: drug paraphernalia and a general vibe of “We sell things here.”
The suspect was arrested and charged with armed burglary and criminal mischief, though officials noted that more charges are “pending”—a phrase that usually means “we’re still counting the mushrooms.”
As for why the man was naked, wielding a tree branch, and breaking into homes? Authorities haven’t released that detail yet. But let’s be honest—does it really need an explanation?
Florida, you’ve done it again.
Dabbin-Dad Newsroom
Naked Intruder Leads Florida Deputies to Accidental Drug Bust Worth Thousands
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