Ah, President’s Day—a day meant to honor the men who sat atop the great American throne, some wise, some wicked, most just kinda there. A day of furniture sales, school closures, and vague reflections on leadership. But for me? It’s a day to spark up a fat, patriotic joint in honor of all the presidents who definitely puffed the devil’s lettuce behind closed doors.
Think about it. The Founding Fathers were basically rebellious stoners in powdered wigs, fueled by hemp, whiskey, and questionable hygiene. George Washington grew acres of cannabis—not for smoking (allegedly), but for ropes and textiles. But come on, you’re telling me a guy who suffered from chronic dental pain never thought, “What if I just… smoked a little of it?”
Thomas Jefferson? Smuggled hemp seeds from China like some kind of 18th-century cartel kingpin. Abe Lincoln? There’s an old quote attributed to him: “Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp and playing my harmonica.” The quote might be fake, but damn if it doesn’t sound right.
Even modern presidents can’t dodge the ganja connection. JFK? Secretly toked for back pain. Bill Clinton? “Didn’t inhale” (sure, Bill). Obama? Straight-up admitted to rolling in the Choom Gang, hotboxing cars like the rest of us degenerate college kids.
So today, in the spirit of American rebellion, I roll a joint for democracy, light it with the fiery passion of political discourse, and take a long, freedom-filled hit. Because if there’s one thing we can learn from our presidents, it’s this: power is temporary, but getting high on a federal holiday is forever.
Happy President’s Day, my fellow patriots.
Keep it weird,
