Life with PTSD
Good Morning Everyone! I hope you are enjoying the remainder of the weekend as today’s weather looks promising after the last few days of rain.
I’ve been dealing with some pressures and inner demons the past week. I feel bad that I’ve secluded myself from Dabbin Dad. I wanted to post more, but I didn’t think that it would truly help me if I did. Getting some of thoughts out to the therapist are scary enough. This last session, I worried my therapist, so of course the recommendation was to increase the pharma. I was told that I have a problem with cannabis, possibly going through addiction because I’m self-medicating. I’m confused because I take pharma medication daily as prescribed as a preventative approach to treat my PTSD condition, but if I smoke daily three times a day, I’m abusing the medicine.
The recommendation is that I only medicate with cannabis when I feel an episode is about to occur. Unfortunately, my hyper-reaction and anger can occur instantly and without indication. I can’t control every situation or my environment all the time. Do they want me to live in basement and never leave my house? Come on! I was successful in the military because of my skills and some traits were enhanced in theater. I’m alive because I adapted and applied everything I was taught. It’s been over 10 years and I’m still trying to adapt back. It can really be tough. I love my little girls and I want to give them a happy life and strong foundation, so they can have a bright future. I’m thankful for my wife and I wouldn’t want to go through life without her. At times, it gets hard to keep focus on what is important to me because I’m seeing red or in damage-control, as of lately, trying to keep everyone happy.
Sometimes, I wish I could just take a couple of days for me, go camping and unplug from society. I need to honestly take care of myself, so I can be at my best as a father, a husband, and a friend. I don’t want my daughters to grow up thinking its ok for people to yell and scream every day. When I get bad, I can only think of violent means to conflict resolution, thankfully I’m able to control those thoughts and at worse occasionally express them in words. But the words along with my body language are disturbing. I don’t want to raise my children to think violence is the answer. Relationships are important in life; I hope my daughters surround themselves with people that make them better and complete. My life was disrupted by a period in time where my environment required me fight daily for myself and my marines. If I failed, people were impacted, possibly causing loss of life. Iraq will always be with me, but I need to ensure that it doesn’t control my future. I have resisted group therapy in the past, mostly because of scheduling, but that shouldn’t be an excuse any longer. I need to do something for me, if not for my family.
As for the Veteran Affairs, I will keep medicating with cannabis regardless of their agenda. I will not be classified as a drug addict, for a natural plant. I have experienced the wonder of cannabis and like many of you; I will stand by and support others that find relief in its medical properties. When I medicate with cannabis, I do not react to conflict with violence. I’m not on edge. I don’t wake up with uncontrollable anger. This is more than I can say for pharma. I’m happier with me as a person! I’m here to get better, for myself and my family. I wish I didn’t have to fight a cannabis battle with my doctor at the same time, but I’ve never been one to back down.
I refuse to be a statistic; I will not allow my demons to take my future away from me and my family.
