So picture this: You’re elbows deep in a bong rip shaped like the Liberty Bell when you hear that Donald J. Trump—yeah, the BigMac messiah of Mar-a-Lago—is suddenly pro-weed banking. Not pro-weed, mind you. Don’t go imagining him blazing up to Snoop Dogg in a golden robe. No, he’s just into the money part now. The green—not the leafy kind, the spendy kind.
According to reports floating around like secondhand smoke at a sesh, Trump’s pushing Congress to pass the SAFE Banking Act. For those of you who’ve been too high or too cynical to keep track: that’s the one that would let dispensaries stop acting like 1920s speakeasies and start acting like real businesses. Credit cards, loans, no more burying cash in dog food bags behind the shop. Revolutionary, right? Big boy shorts.
Why is Trump involved? Who the hell knows. Maybe he’s seen the tax revenue rolling into places like Colorado and got jealous. Maybe some of his “business associates” have plans for a weed empire and they’re tired of money smelling like Kush and fear. Or maybe he’s just playing political weed-judo—taking an issue with broad support and flipping it for his own gain.
Whatever the reason, the man who used to dog whistle about law and order is now allegedly whispering sweet nothings into Congress’s ear about how weed cash should be handled like grown-up money. The hypocrisy? Delicious. The irony? Dank.
If this actually happens—and that’s a huge if—we could be looking at legal weed businesses finally getting to any bank like adults, and Trump getting to act like he was a weed reform hero all along. Don’t fall for it. But hey, if your local dispensary can finally stop hiding cash in cereal boxes (not every state is like CT and everyone’s not backed by a holdings company), maybe light one up for progress—just don’t forget who lit the match.
Keep it weird,
~-JohnsJoints
